How can I write this post and do it justice. I don’t think it will be possible, but I will start and see where I get. This is a story about the depth of a little boys heart, the horrible realization of death, and the healing process. It was very sad and a bit funny at the same time. This is bitter sweet as I write this, but I want to remember.
This morning Baddie and Swim, the fish from the fair, were swimming slowly, but appeared healthy in their warm fuzzies jar temporary home by the dishwasher. The water was murky and smelly. It was time to find them a more permanent location. We decided that we would go, after pre-school, to Petco and outfit these fish with a new home, or homes at it turned out. We were super excited. The idea was to get them a new tank or jar, and allow Quincy to pick out one decoration and Mason to pick out one decoration for the tank. Mason described what he wanted and spent the better half of the day detailing out the yellow layers rocks with caves for Baddie to swim in and out of. When we got to Petco we took a different turn. First Petco has miniature carts in it, so Mason and Quincy each had their own cart. As we turned into the fish aisle we see there was a Little Mermaid tank. With a pink light, and a purple base. It had a statue of Ariel in it and was just beautiful. So this set the course. Quincy would have a tank in her room for swim, and Mason would have one in his room for Baddie. Quincy picked out purple rocks and a pink plastic glow in the dark plant. Mason picked out a tank with a potential divider for Betta fish (important later), black rocks, a sunken ship, a skeleton with a bottle of Rum, and a green glow in the dark plant. This was setting up to be the finest fish tanks in Tampa. Home we came after spending $145 as a gift from Aunt Debbie. Quincy went to take a nap and Mason, Ruth, and I set out to outfit Baddies home. We washed the rocks, rinsed out the tank, and filled everything up so nicely. There was an air filter and a light. It was very fine indeed. We put special conditioner in the water and proceeded to take Baddie from the murky depths of the stale warm fuzzies jar and put him into his lovely new home. It was so lovely in fact we decided to move both fish into the new home while we got Quincy’s ready. Swim seemed ok, but Baddie seemed to be struggling in his new home. He spent a lot of time on the bottom and wasn’t moving around a lot. After a while though they both seemed ok. Quincy woke up and we proceeded to outfit the princess tank. Again we washed the rocks, the tank, the plants, and the statue of Ariel. We let Quincy scoop the rocks into the tank and filled it with water. A few drops of water conditioner and off we went. We moved Swim from the manly pirate tank her lovely princess one.
Now we move them into their new homes in Quincy and Mason’s room. We are sitting in Mason’s room taking pictures of Mason admiring Baddie, who seems to be doing better, and we hear a crash in Quincy’s room. We rush in expecting to find Swim on the floor, but that is not the case. Swim is in her tank still, and Quincy is sitting up by the tank admiring her. Quincy had knocked off the flower vase next to Swim’s tank so no big deal. All of a sudden I look at swim and notice that she is swimming on her side and not moving very much. I said to Ruth “we have a situation here” and we both realize that Swim is about to die. We rush the kids out of the room and go check on Baddie, he looks great and happy. Ruth and I decide that I will go to Petco to replace Swim with Swim II. So off I go.
While I was gone Mason said to Quincy “I think Swim is dead”, but Ruth said “no just taking a rest”. Indeed Swim was dead. Most completely dead. I get to Petco and explain to the man that Swim had passed. He gladly helps me look for another goldfish of similar color and markings. We find it and chat as he is bagging up Swim II. He says that the can die from a change in water temperature, they can die from being in non-filtered water….and they only live 2-3 days without a filter. He says that Swim may also just have been too traumatized. So I pay $0.26 for Swim II and get home.
I sneak upstairs and remove dead Swim. I flush him down the toilet. I put Swim II in his bag, as instructed, in the tank and leave him there for 20 minutes to get adjusted to the water. After 20 minutes I release Swim II to the tank and all is well in Quincy’s room. I go to take a peak at Baddie in Mason’s room and can’t find him. Then I see him motionless at the back of the tank in the glow in the dark plant. I go downstairs and spell “B-A-D-D-I-E” to Ruth a few times. She finally gets it and goes upstairs to confirm what I had feared. Baddie has indeed passed.
She gets her keys and heads to Petco to buy a replacement Baddie, which will be harder than a replacement Swim because Baddie has a tiny black tip on all of his fins. I describe to Ruth the man who was helpful to me with Swim II. Ruth calls on her way home and says that she couldn’t find our nice man. She only found a crazy fish loving man who said that feeder goldfish were not pets, and that Petco doesn’t even feed them. He said that Swim II would very likely die very soon and Ruth should not get a goldfish to replace Baddie, but get two Betta fish for the kids. She also needed to get now Betta food and also live plants because they don’t like plastic plants. So Ruth feeling angry and duped comes home with $36 of new fish.
Now it is clear we are going to need to tell Mason that Baddie is dead because there is no chance that the blue and purple Betta looks anything like Baddie the goldfish with black tipped fins. So….Ruth comes in and sits Mason down and says “Mason, Baddie is dead….BUT we bought you this new wonderful Betta fish to replace him”. I am in the kitchen stifling back laughter because this whole thing has been so comical. I can hear Ruth trying to hold it back too….she wasn’t expecting Mason to mind much. We had even considered telling him about Swim earlier so he could help keep Quincy away.
What comes next would take the heart of a mother and crush it. The depth of feeling that our little Mason felt was completely and utterly heartbreaking. Nothing could have prepared us for what came next. Mason burst into tears. He ran up the stairs to confirm that, indeed, Baddie was dead. His heart was broken. He said the blessing at dinner and asked Heavenly Father to reunite us with Baddie some day and to look after Baddie in heaven. He searched his mind for any reason Baddie had died…did Aunt Deb feed him too much, did he get stuck in the plant. He questioned all in this world about why and how and when and what happens next. His heart was truly broken and ours broke right along with it. Ruth took the chance to tell him about God’s love for him and everyone and how our bodies are only here on earth for a short while. Mason started to cheer up and then asked Ruth if the Betta would live as long as he did, and Ruth had to say “no Mase, the new fish will die someday too and will not live as long as you”. This broke his heart again. He couldn’t eat dinner. He went to his room and barricaded himself in to be with Baddie. I can not express to you the sorrow in this home tonight. We talked a lot about possible resting places for Baddie. Mason wanted Baddie to be laid under his, Mason’s, climbing tree so he could go and lay next to Baddie. The toilet was offered up as a potential way for Baddie to reach the ocean, but that was a no go. Finally Jotham came home and held his little broken boy in his arms. They decided to take Baddie to the alligator pond behind their house so Baddie could reach the ocean that way. Somberly they went outside, climbed the fence, Ruth handed them Baddie in a glass over the fence. Mason said a prayer for Baddie and let his friend go. This was his first time to let a friend go and it didn’t come easy.
We then set task to getting everything cleaned up for the new Betta’s….to be named “Baddie” again and one pink one unnamed. Since Swim II is not yet dead we installed the divider somewhat haphazardly into the pirate tank and put both Betta’s in there. Mason and Jotham went to get ice cream to celebrate the life of Baddie. For now all is ok…but tomorrow morning could be hard. Swim II may not make it through the night…and who knows about the two Bettas. Baddie Betta was renamed to Jet Fighter Fighter…or Jet Fire Fighter….Jet for show. Ruth and I named Quincy’s Cleo.
Oh little boy…I love you so much. I am sorry about the loss of Baddie and the little bit wiser and older you got today. The depth of your feeling is so strong and staggering to me. Please sleep easy.
xoxoxo